it's rainy and i cancelled office hours. i feel floored by the amount of work i need to do, in my life and school and everything. and to spite it all i just photocopied a sampler of shorts for my ungrateful lazy students, who don't know how many fucking parking tickets i get just so i can get to class on time. we're doing "disgrace" next week, and i told them not to write journals.


i cancelled paper #2. i haven't written the exam up, but i'm so tired of reading their mind numbing responses and trying so hard to make them challenge themselves. and it doesn't help at all that i'm furious with the administration for treating me like shit. i mean, how am i supposed to get excited over this job i have to do next year when i don't get one thing i want, whereas others get so much better opportunities. i know the director hates me, i am not exaggerating. i represent something despicable and anti-establishment, i do not obey, and i'm already trying to think of ways i may further disobey her so she's forced to reckon with the mess she's gotten into with her biases.

i do so much better with male bosses. and why must i be the kafakaesque character running around making myself crazy over all this. it's so not fair. take back the night and Men Taking a Stand tonight. i remember the first time i did that at barnard, how exciting it was to march in the streets with women on broadway and amsterdam and before entering the columbia gates, meeting with the small group of men in silence. last night i had to come in late. met with a new therapist. i think this one's gonna work out well. she's an older lesbian with 14 cats, and she gave me homework, and you know how i love being told what to do by older women who aren't my mother. but she's muy caro. muy. what to do. i have to believe in something. oh my. my past loves still remain like flowers pressed in heavy old books i've misplaced. they haven't changed, because i don't know what's happened to them.

perhaps it's better that way, except that i still consider them sacred and beautiful when really they're probably tired and married or who knows maybe getting successful. i wish i knew. and how strange memory is. how i forget all the bad, who easy it is to forget pain, the real pain, even though it's molded my body and spirit to be what it is now, i've forgotten the struggles, even though the suffering i feel is what's made me me, all i remember most easily are the beautiful things, the yearnings and promises and moments of connection and milf sex. i have to remind myself of the bad, forcibly, well, i guess all i have to do really is look in a mirror. anyway i didn't go to the parties last night and i'm really out of the loop. can you believe there will be a wkshp prom in two weeks. oh the things i have to look forward to.

well, i'm going to n y c. travel is good. now back to the rain and the day i must face, with all of its disappointments and predictability and careful tightrope walk. sometimes, though, despite everything, i have crushes on everyone. arg. can't help it.